Brain-Static and Hypnagogic Jerks

Most of you here have been following me for years. You know me better than someone of my own family. You know my mind gets ahead of me and, well…here we go again.

I was speaking with someone at work about how it’s like I see the world in different colors than the next person, but I know that anyone in the world is capable of seeing it this way, too. You just have to be able to handle the feeling of falling into a void. The feeling that there’s nothing under your feet and no promise that you’re going to be caught. I feel like no one really believes me when I tell them I see things this way because it seems too dark, dank, and depressing…but it’s really not.

Existentialism was my curse since I was seven years old. It’s what got me in trouble with church leaders all my life. It’s what had me studying religions and quantum physics and ancient languages in the 7th grade, on my own free time.

So let’s begin the narrative of my last few months which is sparking this post in the first place:

The last few months have been full of normal stuff, but with the usual Lilian/Diana kick. I’ll explain.

I’ve been dealing with ups and downs due to a long list of typical life-problems that I guarantee every one of you is also going through. Just normal things like:

1. Material things – money. How to make more, how to use what I have wisely, and how to still enjoy life rather than just work to pay bills. The feeling of working to make money that seems like it immediately goes into a new bill. That whole “why the hell am I working so hard with nothing to show for it” feeling. You know that one, right?

2. Emotional things – feelings. Anger and sadness due to unresolved issues in my semi-recent past and people I wish I didn’t have to deal with. Stress with a household of humans that need guidance and patience when I often feel like I have no energy left to offer them. The inability to find time to recharge before going back to work again. Coming home to sleep and wake up to go to work again with no time for myself. Sounding ever-familiar, I’m sure.

3. Physical things – I’ve been working myself to exhaustion and dealing with an illness for 2 weeks that hurts on more levels than I have strength to get into. That exhaustion that makes my nights fade into brain-static just before the hypnagogic jerks kick in. Aches and pains that come from being on my feet all day. Sensitivity to sound at the end of the day and sore muscles I just want to soak in a tub, away from the world for a while.

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4. Mental things – this one ties into everything. It’s the mental strain of trying to stay on track. The mental strain of trying to keep the right expression on my face to keep everyone around me happy. The mental strain of knowing I’m running out of places to hide the bottles of everything I’ve been keeping to myself. The sudden inability to recognize myself because I’ve taken so much from me and put it all into everyone around me. Now, this is the typical parent-struggle. It’s what we do. If you’re not a parent with this struggle, then you’re an empath. God help those of us who are both.

My point in all of this is, none of these problems are specific to me. I’m not the only one going through one or two or all of them at the same time. We all have these issues on one level or another.  It’s how we see the issues and handle them that matters.

No, I no longer have the mental strength to write or read, because of the constant grind I’m in, which used to be my way of recharging. No, I don’t have time for myself to stop and meditate on where I am and what direction I’m heading. My mind is now on following directions, following a process that isn’t mine, and pleasing customers at the cost of my own peace. It’s frickin sales. It’s not observing and creating anymore. It’s not laughing my day away and putting all my energy into writing my books. But, as a writer, I am fully aware of what the mind is capable of and that’s what keeps me away from falling into a hopeless mess of stress and anxieties. It’s my ability to recognize that I am surrounded by humans who are each going through the same troubles, just on a different level of human emotion and that distracts me. It’s amazing! In one mind, you can have an entire universe–languages, religions, maps, histories, politics, and like I said, emotions.

Human emotion is one of the most interesting and twisted things about humanity that I have ever studied. It never gets old. It only gets more confusing, heart-breaking, and adrenaline-rushing. It’s the one thing that can make a person light up and melt in love, or wither and crawl away screaming into a dark corner of one’s own mind.

When the chaos is the worst, I often look at those around me and remind myself that each person is on a wholly different level of existence than the one beside them. One person’s mind is brimming with starlit visions of financial freedom, happiness, and peace while the next is navigating their own clouded universe with a candle in hand, working like a machine to make money for their next fix/binge. But if that candle was brightened and the light lengthened, they would have the very same amount of room within them that the starry one has. What an enlightening way of seeing things.

It’s all about perspective and I recognize my perspective on things is very much different from your average Joe/Josie, but this is what makes me capable of handling the material, emotional, physical, and mental pains of life. It’s the way my mind remains in its natural state of existentialism–working around the different levels of human emotion and how we all handle it. Without my sense of curiosity and fascination with the human mind/emotions, I honestly don’t know where I would be in life.

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